Play It Again
by REwrites24
Summary: Ah, music! A magic far beyond all we do here! A series of short stories about friendship, heartache, love, and life set to various pieces of music. RL/SB.
1. We're Going To Be Friends

_**Title: **Play It Again_

_**Summary: **Ah, music! A magic far beyond all we do here! A series of short stories about friendship, heartache, love, and life set to various pieces of music. RL/SB._

_**Warnings:** Rated G, for now. _

_**Disclaimer: **Harry Potter and all related characters belong to JK Rowling. All music/lyrics are owned by their respective artists. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made._

_**A note from Rewrites: **A couple of things you should know before reading this: _

_1. This idea was born, quite obviously, from my love of music. I spend probably 80% of my waking hours listening to music in some way, shape, or form. Sometimes, a certain song, lyric, or feeling evoked from a piece of music will literally scream R/S at me. Predictably, writing ensues! _

_2. These are small scenes, moments, snippets, vignettes, or what have yous from the lives of the Mauraders, primarily R/S but we might see some of the others if they inspire me which means it will probably not be in chronological order. Much like hitting the shuffle button on your playlist, this will jump around from early years to the very end and back again. I'm writing as it comes to me. If that is confusing for some, I'm sorry, but really, like our favorite songs, we already know all the words their story. This just seemed like a new way of telling it._

_3. If you're still reading, kudos. Also, I welcome suggestions for songs. What songs make you think of the pups? If you'd like to see it, leave a comment and I might use it. And I encourage you to check out the song for each track if you don't know it. Check out my profile page for links to the songs in each track.  
_

_Thank you and enjoy! _

* * *

_**Track 1 – We're Going To Be Friends (The White Stripes)**_

_**Fall is here, hear the yell  
back to school, ring the bell  
brand new shoes, walking blues  
climb the fence, books and pens  
I can tell that we're going to be friends**_

Since his first day at Hogwarts three weeks ago, Sirius Black had accomplished a great many things he was extraordinarily proud of. He'd acquired both a best friend and mortal enemy. Hacked his mother off royally, resulting in several Howlers delivered during breakfast on different occasions. Earned no less than four detentions (winning him those splendid Howlers) and lost Gryffindor at least seventy house points—though he'd earned a few back for being the only student to transfigure his match into a needle on the first try.

He'd also managed the astounding feat of making shy, quite Remus Lupin laugh.

Granted he had not been aiming to make the boy laugh initially, but he'd been delighted to hear the soft giggle from his rather aloof dorm mate all the same. He was carefully concealed behind a suit of armor, testing out a hex James told him about when it happened. In hindsight, Sirius realized the joke had been on him. Instead of turning Severus Snape's oily hair bright green (to match the slime, James had said) the spell backfired and Sirius's own hair shot straight into the air, standing on end, making him look like a human broomstick.

He spun on his heels the second he heard the sound of laughter behind him and was stunned to see Remus Lupin leaning casually against the wall, a small smile on his pale face. Lupin had made no attempts at befriending the other Gryffindor boys. Sirius hardly noticed him, so occupied as he was with wreaking havoc with James. On the few occasions they'd actually spoken it had been polite but with a distinct chilliness that precluded any further attempts at reaching out. So Lupin didn't want to make friends. That wasn't Sirius's problem, was it?

"That's a good look for you, Black. You should stick with it," he said with the same mild-mannered voice he used in lessons to answer questions, though Sirius was happy to note the small warble of amusement in his voice as he said it.

"Hmph. Jealous, Lupin?" he asked, reaching up to pull his hair back down but it seemed to be stuck that way for the time being.

"Hardly. _Finite_," Lupin said, pointing his wand at Sirius's head, and Sirius felt his hair fall back into place.

Lupin continued to watch him, the same mysterious smile on his face. Sirius wished he would go away. Lupin was weird. Loony-Loopy Lupin other student's called him. While Sirius would jump to his defense whenever the Slytherin boys teased him, privately, he agreed with them. The boy was too quiet, kept to himself too much, and never made any attempts at joining discussion during dinner or after lessons. Lupin hadn't even thanked him yesterday for hexing the other boys who'd taken his bag. Just hefted his, now torn, bag onto his shoulders and left, his face completely impassive. Of course Sirius couldn't just stand by idly while a fellow Gryffindor was in need, and he wasn't expecting much, but a thank you would have been nice.

"Do you even know how that spell works?" Lupin asked finally.

"Apparently not," he huffed, pushing long strands of black hair out of his eyes, wondering where the spell went wrong.

"Would you like to?" he asked, with the air of offering something incredibly tempting.

"You know this spell?" Sirius asked a little doubtfully and Lupin actually had the nerve to roll his eyes.

"Potter lifted the book he got it out of from my trunk. Though he didn't tell you how to do it properly," he explained.

"That bastard."

"Quite. Seeing as we now have a common enemy, feel like paying him back?"

A mad grin formed on his face as he looked at Lupin, his eyebrows raised in question. Sirius nodded both surprised and pleased at this sudden change in attitude from the other boy. "Let's do it," Sirius said, and Lupin gave him a true smile that actually reached his eyes as they left.

Fifteen minutes later they were crouched behind a banister peeking down at the students exiting the Great Hall below. "There's that messy-haired betrayer," Sirius said when he spotted James and Peter leaving.

"Think you can manage the spell this time?" Lupin whispered.

"I'm a quick study, Mr. Lupin. Together?" Sirius asked raising his wand in question.

Lupin nodded and took aim. "Yes, I think so."

Peter doubled over in laughter as James was hit with the spell. Some other students nearby were also beginning to take notice, laughter slowly traveling through the hall.

"What is it?" James asked loudly and an older girl pulled a small mirror from her bag for him to use. "Oh, Black, you are so dead!"

"Catch us if you can, Potter!" he called down to the boy, pulling Lupin to his feet and sprinting through the hall.

He could hear Lupin just behind him as they dodged students and a professor who called after them loudly, but they paid him no mind. James was quicker than he thought, however, and was steadily gaining on them. They ducked into a hidden alcove, breathless with laughter and exertion as they hid from a very livid, very green-haired James Potter.

"I think w—we lost him," Lupin managed to say between breaths, leaning on the wall for support. Sirius just gave him a brilliant smile and clapped him hard on the shoulder. He removed the hand when he saw the boy wince.

"Sorry," he said absentmindedly. "That was brilliant. You're alright, Lupin." Sirius was quick to judge, Blacks often were, but he was rarely wrong. Apparently, there was a first time for everything.

"It's Remus and you're not too bad yourself, Black."

"Sirius," he corrected and Remus nodded. "Come on, let's see if we can give Potter red spots to match his hair."

"I take it back. You're terribly bad, Sirius. A horrible influence," Remus said, but allowed Sirius to drag him from the alcove.

"Me a bad influence? The hair thing was _your_ idea, Mr. Lupin!" Sirius said, wagging a disapproving finger at the other boy.

Remus rolled his eyes but Sirius saw corners of his mouth twitch. "Remind me of that when we're serving detentions for this."

And, later that night, as both boys were scrubbing toilets for hexing James with horns and red spots, that's exactly what Sirius did. Remus just laughed, a pure, true sound that echoed off the tiles of the floor, and threw a rag in his face. Placing the rag back in the pail of foul water—and asking Remus if he thought Mrs. Norris could use a bath—Sirius decided that, while he'd accomplished a great many things in his few short weeks at Hogwarts, being the only person to pull the happy sound of laughter from the relatively reserved boy was perhaps his greatest achievement yet.


	2. Count On Me

_**Track 2 – Count On Me (Bruno Mars)**_

**You can count on me like 1, 2, 3  
I'll be there  
And I know when I need it  
I can count on you like 4, 3, 2  
You'll be there  
'Cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah**

Remus Lupin believed in the power of words. From the lyrics in the fairytales his mother read him as a small child to the bolded facts of his History of Magic textbook, words held a magic all their own. Just like the magic he'd been learning for the last year and a half to pull from his core and from the elements around him, words could entrance, they could heal, and they could curse. And while Remus had a decent measure of respect for words (both spoken and written), there were very few combinations of words that had the power to scare him. Very few variations of letters strung together that made his heart stop and sweat break out on his brow.

"_We're sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, there is no cure." _

"_Filthy half-breed." _

"_Look at little Loony Lupin! Want to get acquainted with the bottom of the toilet, Loopy?"_

Remus hardly batted a lash at these. These were nothing compared to the horror he faced every month. Remus secretly prided himself on this. Knew he possessed an inner strength few people could ever accomplish. And yet it took no more than two words uttered by one Sirius Black to bring him to his knees.

"We know."

Two words. Eight letters. One sentence.

Sirius watched him, his grey eyes narrowed dangerously, his arms crossed, his expression one of suspicion and anger. Remus could only focus on remembering to breathe as he stared down his three friends, standing like a small army beside his bed, blocking his path.

"Did you hear me?" Sirius asked, advancing on Remus a little. Instinctively, Remus recoiled and prepared himself for a blow, whether physical or verbal. "I said, we know."

Something fierce rolled through his chest as he glared at the dark-haired boy. He squared his shoulders trying to draw on that inner strength once more even when he felt as though he were going pieces. "I heard you, Sirius. I'm a werewolf, I'm not deaf."

A small flame of triumph flared for a brief moment as the word left him; James swore under his breath as he goggled at Remus behind his glasses, Peter was looking steadfastly at the floor, and Sirius faltered, as if he did not expect Remus to admit it so easily. Not that it had been easy, but they would never know. Could never understand how much it cost him to say it.

He lifted his chin and pushed past them to his trunk, retrieving a pair of pyjamas. He clutched them to his chest, still kneeling beside his trunk, the routine of getting ready for bed feeling suddenly stupid and pointless. Like locking the door to a house that had already been vandalized. There was a burning at the back of his throat and he realized he was very close to crying. The other boys were still watching him. All around him, the world seemed to be shrinking, closing in and smothering him.

"I have to go," he said suddenly and scrambled for the door, his pyjamas still clutched in one hand. Sirius was quicker though and caught him around the wrist before he could reach the handle of the door. "Let go of me!" he screeched, tugging desperately against the other boy's firm grip.

"Remus, relax," Sirius said.

"Let him go, Sirius!" James said pulling out his wand. Remus stumbled as Sirius released him, falling against the wall. He eyed the wand James was holding warily.

"Go on! Hex me!" he dared the other boy. The three boys shared a look of surprise.

"I don't want to hex you," James said and he threw a locking spell at the door.

"Why not?"

"Merlin, this is not the way this was supposed to go," Sirius muttered, seating himself on end of a nearby bed.

"It's your fault," Peter said bravely but wilted as Sirius glared.

"He's got a point, Black. You were all…menacing. Scared Remus out of his wits. Just look at him!" James gestured to Remus who was still standing beside the door, clutching his pyjamas like a shield.

"Yeah, well, I was angry!"

"But he doesn't know why!"

"Will one of you please explain what you're talking about so I can go die quietly somewhere in a dark part of the castle?" Remus asked at last.

Remus watched his dorm mates burst into laughter and a bit of the ice, newly formed around his heart, chipped away. Sirius recovered first and gave him a look half exasperated half amused. "You idiot. We know. And we don't care."

Three words. We don't care. Ten letters. Remus was nearly brought to his knees for the second time in the span of five minutes.

"You don't?" he asked, unable to believe what he was hearing. He looked to each boy in turn; they simply shook their heads. "But you were angry?" he asked Sirius.

"Well you've been lying to us! For over a year! Of course I was mad!" Sirius said hotly, rising to stand beside him. "We're your friends! Friends trust each other!"

Remus could only stare, shocked beyond all belief. This scene played itself in his head regularly since he'd dared to befriend the other boys in his dorm, but never like this. The world felt like it was closing in on him again only this time the terror at being caught was replaced with something wonderful and yet infinitely more frightening.

He was unable to stop the sob that escaped him and before another word could be spoken, he quickly undid the lock on the door and fled.

It took Sirius seventeen minutes to find him, hidden in a dark corner of an empty classroom. Not that Remus had been counting; Sirius just announced it loudly as he seated himself next to Remus on the floor. He hugged his knees ever tighter to his chest, his face still buried in the careworn fabric of his trousers.

"Here," Sirius said, nudging him in the side, handing him a delicately embroidered handkerchief. Remus wiped his face self-consciously, shooting furtive glances at the other boy, but Sirius merely sat beside him quietly offering no comment.

"I didn't want you all to know," Remus said when he felt more in control of his voice.

"Well we do. No use crying over it. Won't do any good unless you plan on drowning us in our sleep with your weepiness."

Remus snorted wetly and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Sirius made a face. "For God's sake, Remus, I gave you a handkerchief, use it!"

Silence fell once more. He felt worn out, not only from the emotional ride that had been the last thirty minutes of his life but also because he was still tired and aching from the previous night's transformation. All plans of a warm bath and then bed were dashed the minute he stepped foot in his dorm. He toyed idly with the hanky and placed it in his lap with the pyjamas he'd unthinkingly brought with him when he'd run off.

"We're not going to dump you or turn on you or anything, you know."

"You say that now."

"I mean it. We're friends aren't we? And friends help each other out. Take care of each other. Like how you're always helping Peter with his homework and he shares those chocolates you like that his mum sends him." Remus only shrugged. "Or how remember at start of term? When I got that letter from my mum and dad and got a little upset so I hexed James because he wouldn't shut up about it? And you just took the letter and burned it and we went and cursed Regulus's shoes and it kept making him walk backward for the whole day? This is just like that."

"It's hardly the same thing," he replied dubiously, but could not help smiling a little at the memory.

"But it is. You cheered me up when I needed it. You help us all out when we need it. We'd be pretty crummy friends if we didn't return the favor."

"You…mean it?" he asked, looking for the first time into the eyes of his friend, still half expecting to see the same mocking sneer he wore whenever people like Severus Snape or his brother were nearby, but Sirius just gave him a lopsided smile and rose gracefully to his feet. He offered Remus his hand.

"I solemnly swear."

Taking the proffered hand, Sirius helped Remus to his feet. "Now, let's go find James and Peter and do something stupid. All your girliness has me breaking out in hives."

"Shut up!" Remus glared and slugged him hard on the shoulder.

"Merlin, you even hit like a girl," Sirius laughed, nudging him back weakly and throwing an arm around his shoulders. "Some ferocious beast you turned out to be."

"Yes, well, keep that secret to yourself and I'll be so inclined to make no mention to our roommates that you carry a hanky around with you," Remus taunted, waving the delicate white cloth at him.

"You're positively devious when you want to be, Lupin!"

"I do what I must," he said, then, quite seriously, "thank you."

Just two words. Pretty lame really when he'd been given so much more. Sirius just gave him a little shake.

"Anytime, Moony."

Remus quirked a brow at the name but said nothing, pocketing the hanky and hoping Sirius was not in the mood to cause too much trouble. The arm was still slung about his shoulders as they exited the room.


	3. Make You Feel My Love

_**Track 3 – Make You Feel My Love (Adele)**_

_**I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.  
Nothing that I wouldn't do.  
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,  
To make you feel my love**_

The door the hospital wing squealed incriminatingly in the darkened hallway of the castle as he nudged it open. Sirius winced and aimed his wand at the hinges wondering if there was any merit to what Peter said about Filch purposely rigging the doors to catch midnight wanderers such as himself with deceptively squeaky doors. Was it this loud last month?

"Silencio," he muttered, pushing the door noiselessly open and slipping inside. He tugged James's cloak off when he was satisfied the room was empty, save, of course, for one dark figure hidden partially behind pale blue curtains.

The curtains whispered softly as he moved passed them to stand beside his friend who was sleeping soundly, flat on his back, one pale, bandaged arm thrown up carelessly above his head in a manner rather unbefitting the normally careful boy. He smiled at the peaceful, sleeping face bathed in moonlight and felt his stomach clench nervously. What was he even doing here? They'd stopped the late night excursions to the hospital wing to visit Remus three months ago now, ever since they accomplished the transformation and began spending full moon nights with him instead.

"You lads spent all last night with me. Just get some sleep," he'd said kindly to the three tired boys who could do nothing but nod.

Shoving a leg over, Sirius sat beside his friend, both grateful and jealous that Remus slept like the dead on nights after the full. Despite Remus's protests, Sirius couldn't stay away. He would lay awake in his four-poster, looking at the empty bed beside his own and thinking of the boy it usually contained. He would toss and turn and lose himself in confusing thoughts before eventually giving up and sneaking down to the hospital wing.

He reached a hand up to brush a lock of hair away from Remus's face, his fingers ghosting over the soft locks before pulling his hand away quickly as if burned. "Merlin, I am such a woman," he said miserably to the sleeping boy. "You lot should burn my man card and force me, at wand point, to walk off the Astronomy Tower in a pair of knickers and bra as is the true Marauder tradition of execution for crimes such as treason, complimenting Snivelly's hair, and wanting to snog your fellow Marauder."

Remus merely slept on but Sirius could imagine the snarky remark on his sanity in the soft tenor of Remus's voice anyway. Now that he'd said it out loud he suddenly felt a bit better. Like drawing poison from a wound, maybe if he could get it out of his system then these confusing thoughts would leave him and he could go back to fancying girls instead of wondering at random intervals throughout the day what it would feel like to kiss Remus Lupin.

Are his lips as soft as they look? What would they taste like? Would he moan as Sirius kissed him? Not like the few girls Sirius kissed moaned or sighed but like he did when he bit into a particularly delicious piece of chocolate. Would he close his eyes and trace his tongue along his lower lip, seeking any lingering taste of Sirius's kiss like he did with the sweet? Suppose he did, he thought with a horrified gasp. Suppose Remus liked it? Then what would he do? He supposed he could find a matching pair of knickers and bra and they could jump off the Astronomy Tower together.

It would be so much easier if all Sirius wanted was to kiss his friend. Could get over the physical desire, but things with Remus were never that easy. The boy had a way of getting under Sirius's skin that he was only just beginning to understand. He recalled hexing bullies back in first year that picked on the small boy. Researching desperately with James to find some way to help Remus through his transformations and then working tirelessly to accomplish the feat of becoming an Animagus. Sneaking him chocolate, helping with assignments he missed, forcing him out of the library on occasion to indulge in a bit of mischief (fun is good for the soul, Moony!) and a million other small things that were starting to carry a whole new meaning as he looked at them from the other side of things.

But they were friends, weren't they? He'd do any of those things for James or Peter. Friends looked out for each other. But he wasn't doing those things for James or Peter. He was doing them for Remus. Always for Remus. He wasn't sure when an eleven year-old's desire to protect his friend became a young man's mission to make the other boy happy. Generally speaking, the happiness of other people was rarely a concern of his—in fact, just the opposite if you happened to be a greasy-haired git or snotty little brother. Why then was making Remus Lupin smile, making him laugh, easing his pain, the most important thing in his life?

He thought back the three months ago, when he watched, through doggie eyes, as the werewolf tore itself from the boy's frail body. Was horrified and angry and fascinated as his friend was lost to gut-wrenching screams and piercing howls.

"You don't have to come back next time," he'd told them the next morning, looking vulnerable and humiliated as he hugged his knees tightly to his chest. "If you—you're freaked out or…"

Sirius only threw blanket around his bare shoulders and helped him to his feet. "We're coming back. Do you think I spent the last three years STUDYING for nothing?"

"Besides, who else will play with Padfoot?" James asked.

Remus laughed darkly, his lip trembling only slightly as he fought back tears. They tucked him into the lumpy bed, ignoring his protests of "I don't need a mum, you lot!" and making a hasty exit before Madam Pomfrey showed up.

That night Sirius sat beside Remus as he slept, much like he was doing now, hoping fervently that the joint efforts of the other three boys had made a difference and full of admiration at the strength Remus possessed. To face it every month, his shoulders squared, even if his knees were shaking. _You don't have to try so hard any more_, he thought as he watched Remus sleep. _I'm here_. And he vowed he always would be, even if it was only to himself, and even if he still didn't know how significant it was to make such a promise.

Remus sighed in his sleep and shifted. Sirius tensed but Remus slept on, mumbling something incoherent. Sirius felt his heart melt and when his hand moved automatically to brush through golden-brown hair, he let it, carding his fingers through the short hair at the other boy's temple before coming to rest on the side of his neck.

"God, what am I doing?" he asked himself, watching his thumb moving back and forth on the warm skin, but he was unable to pull away. In his head, Remus was asking him if he preferred his knickers to be all-cotton or lace. "Shut up, Remus," he said and leaned forward to press their lips together in a chaste kiss.

He pulled away quickly, his heart hammering in his chest, completely surprised with himself. The thought of Remus pushing him forcibly off the Astronomy Tower, walking-the-plank style, as James a Peter hummed a funeral dirge, complete with eye-patches and little stuffed parrots on their shoulders was not enough to stop him from doing it again, however. Remus had soft, warm lips, even better than Sirius imagined, and this close he could smell the soap on his skin from his earlier shower. Remus shifted again and Sirius jumped backward, overbalancing and falling flat on his arse. He poked his head over the side of the bed and breathed a sigh of relief that Remus was still sleeping, his brow furrowed.

Throwing the Invisibility Cloak over himself he exited the hospital wing as quickly and as quietly as he could before he was tempted again. When he was back in the safety of his four-poster once more he buried his head under his pillow feeling miserable. Remus would be mortified if he knew and Sirius vowed to never tell him, not even under threat of torture. But the life-altering epiphany finally hit him like a Bludger to the gut. He was falling for his friend.

"Fuck," he muttered, touching his lips and remembering how nice it felt to kiss the other boy. He felt something that might have been despair, or quite possibly joy, bubbling in his chest but pushed it resolutely away. Remus did not need this. He would forget this crush. For Remus. He would go with James and Peter to retrieve their comrade the next morning, make jokes over breakfast, and plot their adventure for the next full moon. For Remus. And he would keep his promise to always be there when Remus needed him and even when he didn't. _For Remus_, he thought bravely as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

_**A note from Rewrites:** I know this is a Bob Dylan song, but I really like this version._


	4. Boulevard of Broken Dreams

**_Warnings:_**_ Rated M now for non-graphic sexual content, language, and themes including suicide and (possibly) self-harm. _

_**A note from Rewrites: **So this is the first time we've jumped any significant amount of time ahead. I did say it was going to move around. Not a very happy installment I'm afraid. Don't think I've written anything this angsty before. Fair warning. And please, thoughts on this would be most appreciated.  
_

* * *

_**Track 4 – Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day)**_

_**I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams  
When the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk alone**_

It would be so easy, he thought, staring at the speeding vehicles traveling through the dreary streets as he waited for the light to change telling him it was okay to cross. He could throw himself in front of a speeding double-decker and it would all be over. Maybe the Muggles on board would snap some interesting photos and have something to share with their families or friends when they returned home. Remus Lupin's final contribution to the world.

"You'll never believe it! Skinny little bloke just ran right in front! Squashed like a bug he was!"

But no. He may have lost a lot of things that night, but the will to live was not one of them. Try as he might—and he'd done damn good job of it, truth be told—Sirius had not been able to destroy him completely. Though it certainly felt that way, and often.

Sometimes it felt as though he were the one who was dead. That he was a scared and lonely ghost drifting amongst the living and if he took a visit to Godric's Hollow, he'd see a small, messy-haired little boy swinging on the arms of his mother and father instead of the cold slabs of stone etched permanently with the reminder of everything he'd lost. That there would be the sounds of laughter in the corner of the pub they frequented, the harsh realities of war never dampening their spirits so long as they had each other. That he would come home to a warm bed where strong, sure hands would make him feel loved, cherished, and a soothing voice would tell him it was just a terrible nightmare.

But if it was a nightmare it was unending. Harry was living with relatives Remus was sure hated him, or at least had hated his parents, the carving of MWPP Sirius had etched into their favorite table would probably grow grimy and distorted until the letters were lost over time, and the comforting arms he'd grown so used to would never hold him, never make him feel safe again. He would be perpetually caught between waking and sleep, broken memories of the life he use to have slipping through his fingers like the remnants of a sweet dream.

He had to admit it was getting better—or easier, at any rate. He thought less and less of throwing himself into speeding traffic and managed to get back to a crude imitation of the life he'd been trying for. Some dark part of his heart always knew he would go this alone. Though he desperately wanted to believe in the promises of always and forever whispered in the night, their bodies damp and still entwined impossibly close, Remus knew that was never likely to happen. War had away of forcing young dreamers to face facts, and Remus had never been much of a dreamer anyhow. He left the fanciful musing to Sirius while he prepared himself for the reality of losing the people and things he cared about most.

Nothing could have prepared him for this though. For the fell swoop of fate that would take absolutely everything that mattered from him in one night. In hindsight, he realized the warnings were there; if he'd thought to look close enough. Sirius had been so on edge the days leading up to James and Lily's death. Had begun shying away from his touch (I'm just tired, Moony), came home late and exhausted and shaking, had become irrationally protective and jealous.

"I've told you twice now! I was at a stakeout with Frank!"

"Oh, yes, with _Frank_."

Remus squirmed but did well not to show it. It was a lie. He hated lying to Sirius, but Sirius would not believe that he'd been on a reconnaissance with a Death Eater spy for the Order, least of all Severus Snape. That and Dumbledore had sworn him to secrecy. Snape's role was precarious and Remus would not jeopardize his position because Sirius was having a hissy.

"What have you got against Frank?"

"Oh, it's just, he's not a bad-looking bloke, is he? Were you two getting comfortable on your _stakeout_?" he'd asked, a wild gleam in his eyes.

"Are you joking? Frank is married! He has a kid! I'm not fucking him!"

"So you're saying you would except he's taken? Is that it?"

Remus had to refrain from hitting him. He took a deep breath and reached up, taking Sirius's head between his hands, forcing him to look into his eyes.

"How could you even think that? I would never…it's you, don't you know that? It's only ever going to be you."

He watched as Sirius's face contorted from anger to something like anguish before he pressed their mouths together in a messy, desperate kiss. They stumbled to the bedroom, pulling at clothing as they went until they tripped onto the bed in a tangled jumble of limbs and clothes.

"Mine," Sirius growled into his ear as he thrust into him, planting kisses on his back and hair, one arm wrapped tightly around his waist. "Say it…promise me! _Please_. "

"Yours. Oh God, yours…always yours," Remus moaned his reply, grasping Sirius's hand tightly and reaching back to pull him closer.

Afterward, he could feel wet drops falling into his hair as Sirius held him close. "No matter what happens, I love you. You know that, right?"

"Of course," Remus said and he was consumed by fervent kisses once more. Sirius was just scared. They both were. Their own lives were at risk every time they walked out the door, and sometimes even when they didn't. James and Lily and Harry were in danger, had nearly been killed the last time Voldemort got wind of where they were. Peter had been badly injured in the last raid. So many people were dying. They were terrified all the time it seemed like.

"I'm going to be going away for a while," Sirius had said after some time and Remus nodded, having expected it. There had been not-so-subtle hints of a Secret Keeper and Remus had no doubt James would ask Sirius. He whispered words of love and caution back and that was the last time he saw Sirius until he'd picked up the Prophet not two days later and his world had ended.

He'd laughed loudly when that memory surfaced as he walked to the dingy pub where he'd secured employment tending the bar and washing the occasional dish. An elderly woman clutched her handbag tightly, perhaps preparing to strike him with it if he got too close, as he stopped mid-stride and laughed madly. "Yes, Sirius, you did end up going away for a while, didn't you?" he'd said to no one as he resumed his trek, oblivious to the wetness on his eyes and cheeks.

He ignored the ache in his chest and focused instead on the one in his bones, promising a brutal full moon night in three days time. Surprisingly, he'd almost begun looking forward to full moons. Even with the prospect of romping around the Forbidden Forest with his pack-mates, Remus could never say he looked forward to a full moon night until six months ago when he'd been so numb with grief the transformation shocked him back to reality. The pain of his body breaking and reforming itself was almost a relief, a blessing. It reminded him he was still alive and that there was still a heart beating in his chest, ready and waiting for the next Sirius Black to come along and rip it to shreds.

Not that he ever expected to love again, at least not as deeply as before anyway. There would be other men, he was sure, even if, currently, he was more alone than he'd ever been his entire life. On good days, the small spark of hope that refused to die, despite life's brutal attempts at snuffing out all light, would burn away some of the decay on his still tender heart and he would dare to dream that he would find someone who would make him forget Sirius Black. Or that someone would find him—would hear the plea he sobbed into his pillow on the bad days and take him away from his misery.

He shuffled home after his shift, tugging his threadbare coat tighter around him as the cold began seeping into his bones. The streets were emptier this late; fewer potential candidates for a merciful death trundling down the streets. He kicked a discarded wad of paper as he waited for the light, looking up at the moon, nearly full. He nearly smiled at the familiar sight of it.

"At least I have you, old friend," he muttered to the white ball of light hanging high above the buildings, more than a little bitter, trying to ignore the random wondering if Sirius could see the moon from his cell. If he even recognized the significance it once held for them both. "I'll always have you, won't I?" he asked it. He received no answer, of course, but he didn't need one. Unlike the ill-placed faith he'd put in others, he could always count on the God-forsaken moon to be with him. It was comforting, in a strange way.

Not so alone after all, he thought as he continued on his way, the last friend in the world he had left seeing him safely home.


	5. Your Song

_**Notes: **__Written for __**that1girl2**__. Hope you like. This turned out a little angstier than I expected or you probably wanted but there you are._

_Also, I realize this is a song by Elton John but the inspiration for this one is performed by Ellie Goulding and it's quite lovely. Thanks for the comments everyone! They make me smile!_

* * *

_**Track 5 – Your Song (Ellie Goulding)**_

_**I hope you don't mind  
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world**_

"Have I mentioned I hate this place?" Sirius asked, throwing himself into the scratchy, doxy-chewed sofa. A thin cloud of dust rose up from the depths of the cushions, choking Sirius briefly with more than ten years of disuse. "Bloody Keacher, he rasped, after a fit of coughing. "What's the point of him if he doesn't keep the place clean, I ask you?"

"Oh, I don't know. It has a certain appeal, doesn't it?" Remus asked, wandering vaguely about the room, like an attentive child in a museum, briefly enthralled by more exciting aspects—dinosaur bones and mummy crypts—but otherwise less than amused by dusty old relics, rampant in the Black Family Household, but too polite to say so.

Sirius allowed his eyes to follow the path of Remus's fingers as he ran his hand across brittle book bindings on the shelf, recalling vividly, the way those very same fingers bumped a path across his abdomen not twenty-four hours previous, his bones jutting horrifically through his pale, papery skin.

"Maybe if you're a corpse it holds a certain appeal," Sirius said as he surveyed Remus wandering about the small parlor, his eyes analyzing dark corners critically. "But it's nothing more than a mausoleum, Moony. A glorified place to rot. And I'm stuck here. Azkaban would be a holiday compared to this," he raved, a little more on the harsh side of joking than he'd intended.

Remus stopped his inspection of the room to give him a sad, sweet smile. God, he'd missed that. Missed those lovely lips curved into a reluctant smile. Missed feeling them pressed against his own as he teased the brown-haired man into laughter. Missed having it as a part of his every day life. The world didn't turn for Sirius if Moony wasn't smiling.

A stuffy silence fell between them as Remus continued to examine the room, his wand moving methodically over various objects to ascertain their danger. He shouldn't have made the joke about corpses, but he would never take it back. What else were they but two young men who'd been left to rot as the world passed them by? Old souls trapped in flesh memories bearing wishes of what might have been.

"Who played?" Remus asked as he passed his wand over the dusty baby grand piano in the corner. Sirius sat up, the sofa groaning in protest, considering the piano fondly.

"Regulus," he said after a moments reflection. "Well, he wanted to anyway. Threw a royal hissy about wanting to learn piano when he was seven. Of course he got a broomstick when he was eight and completely forgot all about it."

"Hmmm." Remus lifted the cover and tapped a few ivory keys randomly, his expression thoughtful, and then plunked a few more. "It's still in tune?" he said after a moment, meeting Sirius's eyes briefly. Sirius took a moment to appreciate the deep, brown color of Remus's eyes, so vivid when aroused with curiosity.

"Magically self-tuning," Sirius replied matter-of-factly and Remus snorted.

"My mother would be rolling in her grave to hear that," Remus mused quietly as he continued to play notes at random. "Some things should not be tampered with by magic, she'd say."

Something resembling Fur Elise drifted through the room from the dusty instrument and Sirius watched as a genuine smile pushed its way past the stubborn corners of Remus's mouth as his fingers sought the familiar tune. It sounded mostly alright but for a few wandering notes.

He rose from the dank sofa and moved across the room until he was leaning his elbows on the edge of the piano. "You never told me you played."

"I don't." Remus assured. "My mum gave lessons on the side. I used to watch her play. Sometimes she'd show me a thing or two."

"Play me something."

"Oh, I don't—" Remus started to protest, already backing away.

"Please, Moony," he begged, daring to apply one of his patented Padfoot pouts. The sort that was almost always able to coax Remus into skiving off Herbology for a quick snog under the Quidditch pitch.

Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head ruefully but sat down at the bench all the same. "Don't blame me if your ears start bleeding," he said as he flexed his knuckles across the black and white keys.

Sirius moved behind him, leaning against the wall as Remus played a few random notes. Eventually, the random scales turned into a melody he almost recognized. It sounded like something he'd heard before. Soft and sweet and a little melancholy, drifting slowly, up and down. It was far from perfect, he was knowledgeable enough about music to know that much, but it was being played by Moony so that made it one of the loveliest songs he'd ever heard. Certainly one of the loveliest songs he'd heard in the last thirteen years.

Without thinking, he moved until his chest was pressed firmly against the other man's back. The notes faltered for a brief second, but continued through their refrain as he wrapped his arms around Remus's chest and stooped to lay his head across his shoulder. He pressed a kiss to the warm skin of his neck and breathed deeply, adoring the soft, firm presence of the man he'd loved for most of his life. Remus leaned back into him, his head tilting to allow further access to his neck and shoulder.

He was humming along quietly; Sirius could feel it against his lips as he pressed another kiss beneath his jaw. The song ended after a few minutes with little flair, merely trailing off slowly, as if the song were only half-finished. Sirius leaned forward and kissed Remus firmly on the mouth, his tongue parting the other man's lips with no resistance. They moved together, a once familiar rhythm picking up pace. A hand wound itself into his hair and pulled him closer and he sighed into the kiss.

"I love you, you know," Remus whispered against his chin when they broke apart.

Sirius placed a soft peck on his lips again. "I know. You've told me enough times since Dumbledore sent me to you."

"No, I never said it enough…then. Maybe if I had—"

"Stop it," Sirius ordered, sitting himself beside Remus on the bench. He ran his fingers through strands of brown hair littered with grey. _My poor Moony. My poor, lovely Moony_, he thought sadly. Sirius already carried the guilt of so many deaths, but seeing the shell of the man Remus had become in his absence had hurt more than he thought was possible after everything that had already happened.

Coming together again, after so much time, Sirius was not sure what to expect. Their time together was so brief before he had to run again. They'd exchanged a few short, stilted letters when they could, which was whenever Sirius was in one place long enough for a determined owl to find him, but they maintained an unwritten agreement to keep things on a platonic level. Neither of them was ready deal with the pieces of their broken relationship yet, preferring for now to let shards lay where they fell until they had the time to give it the level of care it deserved.

Inevitably though, Sirius found himself on Moony's doorstep, soaked from a nasty bout of rain he'd hit on the way. Their hands and hearts were cut on sharp accusations of mistrust and betrayal as they gathered the remains together, but forgiveness healed the hurts. They both had nothing to offer each other any more. Never did really. But this. Being together. Loving each other. Surely that counted for something. He ignored the guilty voice in his head that told him at one point in time, even that was not enough. They'd vowed to leave that in the past.

"I just…" Remus frowned, threading his fingers in his hair. His thumb traced soft circles above his temple and Sirius felt himself leaning into the touch. "I never thought I'd have you back. I was never very good at telling you how I feel—"

Sirius leaned forward and bit down gently on the smooth skin below Remus's ear. "Always had to torture it out of you."

A low hum of contentment rumbled in Remus's throat. "Well, it wasn't all that bad. Some of it was quite pleasurable if I recall correctly."

"Some of my fondest memories," Sirius said with a smile.

Their lips met again briefly before Remus pulled away to rest their foreheads together, one hand still buried in his hair, the other having found itself a home beneath his shirt, just above his hip. "You should know, is all," he said. "Know how I feel."

"And how is that?" Sirius asked.

"Like I have a place in the world again." Remus met his gaze, his eyes warm and loving. Like they always were. How had he been so stupid to miss it before?

"Soppy old man," Sirius teased, but it lacked any real humor. He wrapped his arms tightly around Remus's chest and pulled him close, planting kisses in his hair.

"Love you too, you know," he murmured into brown hair.

They were kissing again, slow and burning, and Sirius felt his body responding to Remus's soft touches and the deep rumble of his moans. This was all he needed. This frail but always strong body in his arms. If escaping Azkaban was like being born again, holding Remus in his arms was like coming home. Familiar, and comforting, and perfect.

He leaned deeper into the kiss and Remus moved to brace himself, his hand coming down loudly on the piano keys. Discordant notes blared for a moment and they broke apart when an annoyingly familiar screeching came from the room next door.

"Have I mentioned I hate this place?" Sirius asked with a glare at the open door.

"You sort her out and I'll play you another song," Remus offered, his fingers touching the keys again.

"Deal." He untangled himself from Remus and rose to go sort out the portrait. "I want a soppy one, Lupin."

"The soppiest," Remus promised.


	6. With A Little Help From My Friends

**Notes**: OMG this didn't want to end. I swear it just kept going. Longest installment to date I think.

* * *

**_Track – With a Little Help From My Friends (The Beatles)_**

**_What would you do if I sang out of tune,  
Would you stand up and walk out on me.  
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,  
And I'll try not to sing out of key.  
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,  
Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends,  
Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends._**

Remus watched tiredly as thin tendrils of white smoke wound their way out of the small, white cylinder nestled between his fingers and across the rippling lake. He put the filter to his lips, inhaling deeply, and exhaled a great puff of smoke, coughing as he did so. Really, he would never understand what Sirius saw in the vile things. He flicked the half-finished cigarette into the lake and leaned back against the tree feeling sulky and irritated.

Stupid cigarettes. Stupid Sirius for liking them. Probably only smoked them to irritate his parents. His own way of rebelling. Bloody idiot. Wouldn't know the meaning of the word and confused it far too often with the world trouble.

He felt guilty almost immediately. He had no right to think so poorly of his friend, even if it was probably true. But that was just it wasn't it? He wasn't sure he could still call the boy his friend—any of them.

At first he'd hardly noticed. Professors bombarded them with so much course work upon returning for their fifth year, Remus thought he might really start living in the library, if only to save himself the trip from his dorm every day. The amount of teasing he'd endure if he voiced such a thought was enough to keep him silent, however. He frequently spent time alone in the library when he was trying to catch up and his dorm mates usually left him to it, clever bastards that James and Sirius were, never needing to pick up a book unless it was to inflict bodily injury—either from a hex contained within it or to simply lob the damned thing at someone's head. Though privately he thought Peter ought to do less book chucking and more book reading if he was going to pass his OWLs, but that was neither here nor there at the moment.

At the moment, and he hated to admit it even to himself, he was lonely. He missed his friends who, it seemed, had decided he was no longer worth their time. For a few days he thought it was the badge. The blasted embossed little P pinned to his chest. They'd certainly had a good laugh over it on the train ride to school. Perhaps if he turned it back into McGonagall he would be welcomed back into the fold?

But no. The secretive behavior had begun at the end of last term. Cryptic conversations he would accidentally-on-purpose hear when he'd sneak back up to the dorm to retrieve a book (because who knew when _Hogwarts A History_ would come in useful) would cease abruptly, followed by loud, inane conversation or suspicious silence.

Excuses to leave for long periods of time without him seemed to be more common place. While it was true he spent a great deal of time in the library, his friends were always around when he needed them. But whenever he felt like seeking out them out lately they seemed to have other things to do.

"Detention with Filch."

"But, Sirius, it's Sunday!"

"Tutoring firsties in Transfiguration today."

"James Potter tutoring first years? Surely you're joking. What about you, Peter?"

"Erm…I'm tutoring firsties with James"

Really, for self-proclaiming Marauders and Mischief Makers Extraordinaire they could be terrible liars. You'd think they'd realize he knew these tactics inside and out by now. Well, if they didn't want him around he was not going to force his company on them. He took to spending even more time in the library, sequestering himself in his quiet corner even more than usual under the guise of studying and trying to dispel the hope that they would come and drag him bodily from his sanctuary in order to do something stupid.

The conversation from thirty minutes ago kept playing itself in his head. Warm embarrassment crept up his neck as he recalled how childishly he'd acted.

"Where are you lot off to this time?" he'd asked quietly as the three boys made their way to the portrait hole.

"Just a kitchen run," James said in his Innocent Voice and wearing his Innocent Face. Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"Dinner was less than an hour ago, wasn't it?"

They looked uneasily between each other before Sirius stepped up. "We're growing boys, Moony," he insisted.

"You could come with us," Peter began and Sirius promptly stood on his foot.

"Nice of you to offer but I get the feeling my kind aren't welcome with you three any more." He took a moments satisfaction at their gob-smacked expressions.

"Remus, it's not like that!"

"You know we don't care."

"Don't be daft, Moony!"

He gave a wry smile. "Well you must admit, a prefect would rather cramp your style," he said, gesturing to the badge on his chest. "Why what were you thinking?" he asked, rather more harshly than he'd intended, before storming past them and out of the dorm. The scowl on Sirius's face as he left was still burning the back of his neck.

Righteous anger had pushed him out of the castle and towards their favorite tree, just out of sight from the castle but the only friend to greet him there was loneliness. He shivered and told himself it was just from the cold autumn air and wished he hadn't been so hasty in throwing the cigarette away. It might have been vile but it kept him warm.

He sighed and hauled himself to his feet, deciding this self-imposed banishment would be more productive in the company of books. He was so wrapped up in thoughts of hot cocoa and dusty shelves he didn't hear the sound of barking until it was too late.

A black blur streaked towards him. Remus scrambled for his wand, but he was hit directly in the chest and knocked flat on his back by large black paws. A ragged cough forced its way through his lungs as he gasped for breath. The black thing, which turned out to be a dog upon closer inspection, was seated directly atop his chest and doing its very best to lick every inch of his face.

He grabbed the dog by the scruff and pushed it gently away. The dog didn't seem to mind. Simply stared down at him with pale blue eyes and barked happily, its tongue lolling out of the side of its mouth.

"What the hell, Black? We said we were going to wait!" James yelled, jogging towards him, Peter trailing closely behind.

The dog bounded towards James with great exuberance, barking madly and running circles around his legs before loping back towards Remus to lick his face again.

"For the love of Godric, Sirius," James said as he hauled the dog away. "Stop snogging Remus and change back."

Suddenly, where there was a large black dog there was Sirius sitting in the grass, grinning madly and kicking at James.

"I wasn't snogging, Moony!" he yelled emphatically as he tried again to kick the bespectacled boy. "I can't help it sometimes! The dog just sort of…takes over."

"That time with Filch's cat was priceless," Peter said, and James smiled through his scowl.

"It was pretty funny. Shame you didn't actually eat her."

"What happened to the dog?" Remus interjected sharply as he scrambled to his feet. He pointed a shaky finger towards Sirius. "The dog. It was just there. And now you're there. That's…it's a spell right? What are you three playing at?"

"Remus," James began in a placating tone but he got no further before the black dog from before launched itself at him. James bounded away. Or at least it was James at first. Where there was a messy haired boy there was now a large, sleek stag being chased by the black dog. James and Sirius were no where to be found.

Remus turned his pleading gaze on Peter who shrugged and rapidly shrank before his eyes until there was a large grey rat scrambling towards his feet. The rat clawed awkwardly up his pant legs and sweater until it was seated precariously on his shoulder, pushing its twitchy whiskers into his ear.

He took a deep, calming breath.

Okay, he thought serenely. I've gone mad.

The dog and stag were winding their way back towards him morphing back into familiar-looking teenage boys, both breathless and pink cheeked and sporting identical grins. Yes, I've most certainly gone mad.

"Get off him you worm-tailed little freak," Sirius said once they'd reached him. The rodent squeaked loudly as Sirius picked it up, tail first, and held it aloft. "You'll give him all kinds of diseases," he said wagging a disapproving finger at the rat.

James took the rat in hand and placed it back on the ground. "Don't hold him by the tail! You know he hates that."

Peter sprouted back up from the ground as pointy rat features and whiskers shrunk back into his normally boyish face. "That hurts you bastard!" he said, rubbing his backside.

"I don't understand. What is going on? How did you three do that?" Remus demanded, and managed to keep the hysteria in his voice to a minimum.

The three boys shared secret smiles that were maddeningly familiar. "Come now, Moony," Sirius said throwing an arm around his shoulder. "You're a clever young man. You can work it out."

There was a long silence where only the sounds of the forest behind them and the soft slapping of water on the rocks beside the edge of the lake could he heard. Pieces of the last few minutes were falling into place but…

"But that's impossible!"

"Don't know the meaning of those words, you know that!" James said, rocking on the balls of his feet with barely concealed excitement.

Sirius used the arm around his shoulder to pull him closer and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Worked it out then?" he asked in a low voice, hot puffs of breath sending a shiver down Remus's spine.

But Remus was shaking his head violently. "I don't understand. How? Why?"

Sirius pulled away, the arm shifting from around his neck to rest one palm on his shoulder. He looked into grey eyes shining with mischief. "To be with you, of course."

"To be with me?" he repeated hollowly. "What do you mean to be with me? You're with me all the time! Well, at least, you could be but it's you lot that have been avoiding me! You don't need to be bloody animals to be with me! I—"

And realization slammed into him, so hard he was nearly knocked to the ground a second time. All the suspicious absences, the excuses, the secretive conversations. They'd been planning this. For years now. So they could be with him. All the time.

"No...tell me you didn't. Not for me. Not for this." He shoved Sirius hard, and watched the raven-haired boy stumble.

"Well who else would we spend, I dunno, three years, was it?" James asked to the group at large.

"Two years, six months, and twenty-three days," Peter confirmed dully. "That's counting the summer. Because there was work in the summer, Remus! Imagine."

"Thank you, Mr. Pettigrew. Who else would we spend two years, six months, and twenty-three days, including summer holidays, learning very complicated, not to mention highly regulated magic, for but you, Mr. Moony?"

Remus was still at a loss for what to think. He was incredibly angry at the three of them, for one. What were they thinking? Never mind they were brilliant enough to manage it at all but it was dangerous. Not to mention illegal. They risked their sanity and a sentence in Azkaban for him!

He was also touched beyond all belief. Remus had known the three boys to be loving, faithful friends. They treated him like a delicate thing, despite the fact he'd proved to them time and again he was made of sterner stuff than the three of them combined. They were always shoving food at him, asking him if needed to see Poppy, and closed ranks around him in an instant when other people got too curious. And now they'd gone to such great lengths. Risked their sanity and a sentence in Azkaban. For him.

"Oh God," he said suddenly having a difficult time breathing. He stumbled forward. Sirius was beside him in an instant, gripping his elbow gently to steady him.

"Moony…Remus, are you alright?"

"I'm…" But he couldn't speak. There was a disconnect from his brain to his mouth, and if he tried to say anything he might possibly just end up crying. So instead, he threw himself into the arms of the boy in front of him and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Sirius stumbled again, but returned the embrace warmly.

"I think he's pleased," he remarked to the others, and a moment later two thumps hit him in the back and more arms were coming around to hug him. Over his shoulder he heard a great sniffle.

"I've never felt like less of a man," James pretended to weep as he stood back.

Sirius gave a derisive laugh, releasing Remus but not before giving his shoulder a squeeze. "That must be a feat for you then considering you're the most unmanly thing to ever set foot in this school."

"This coming from a smelly unwashed mongrel like you?"

Sirius looked affronted. "I come from one of the oldest and most impeccable pedigrees known to wizard and dog-kind, as you very well know. Tales will be told far and wide about my noble stature. My lustrous coat—"

"Your vacant expression and ability to lick yourself when you think no one is watching," James finished.

Sirius turned an impressive shade of red. "That was one time and you swore you'd never tell!" Sirius shouted before the black dog was back and chasing the stag once more.

Peter huffed as he and Remus watched James and Sirius chasing each other. "It's rubbish being so small," he said regretfully. "They're always running off like that."

The words without me went unspoken but Remus heard them loud and clear all the same. He could understand well what it felt like to be left out, floundering in the wake of the two energetic boys. Lately he felt even Peter was leaving him behind.

He offered the boy a warm smile. "But there are some nice perks. Being so small. Imagine all the places you can sneak into now."

Peter shuffled his feet awkwardly. "I guess."

The barking grew closer and Sirius threw himself at Remus's feet, his belly exposed and tongue once more hanging from his mouth. James cantered forward less boisterously and lowered his antlered head gracefully. Peter seized the opportunity to transform and climb atop. James threw his head once, Peter clinging for dear life, and took off again at a fast gallop.

A long pitiful whine drew his attention. The black dog was still at his feet, eyes wide and pleading in a familiar puppy dog pout. Remus sighed and kneeled to the ground to run his fingers through the soft black fur on the dog's belly. He yipped gleefully and kicked a leg a few times.

"As if you weren't an enormous attention seeker before you became a dog," Remus muttered, sitting on the ground and allowing the dog to shift into his lap as he nuzzled his hands for more attention. "There will be no living with you after this."

Remus was unsurprised when he felt the strange sensation of dog limbs shifting back into the boyish body of his friend. Sirius beamed up at him, his head still ensconced in Remus's lap.

"You know you love it," Sirius said, leaning into the hand at his temple. "Really, Moony, what would you do with out us?"

Remus opened his mouth, a sarcastic reply on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitated for a second because the honest answer was far less amusing. These boys. This boy. His hand fell into dark hair fanned across his lap. Remus could imagine dying without them. They were so good to him. He scarcely deserved their loyalty. Their trust. He cherished them, each.

He plucked a blade of grass out of the dark locks and tossed it to the ground. "I think the better question is what would you do without me, Padfoot."

"Padfoot?"

"Well, you need a name don't you? Or do you prefer Snuffles?

"You're not actually going to let him call you Snuffles, are you?" James asked as he and Peter returned once more from their trot around the grounds.

"Only when we're alone," he said with a lascivious wink. He jumped to his feet and held out a hand to help Remus up. "So. Firewhiskey anyone? This is a momentous occasion after all and all momentous occasions should be celebrated with firewhiskey."

"I thought all momentous occasions were supposed to be celebrated with cursing Snape's hair into tentacles," said Peter thoughtfully.

James shook his head as they headed back to the castle together. "You're thinking of annoying occasions, mate. Which is pretty much any time the stupid git is around. Hence tentacles."

Twenty minutes later they were all seated on Remus's bed, shots of firewhiskey produced from the depths of Sirius's trunk held high in a toast.

"To Moony," Sirius cried, touching his glass to the others.

"To the Marauders!" cheered James.

Remus touched his glass to the other three. "To McGonagall," he said austerely and he nearly laughed at the way Sirius cocked his head to the side in confusion. "Godric give her strength to survive the next three years."

"To Minnie!" the four boys shouted and downed their drinks with various degrees of success.

By the time the bottle of amber liquid was nearly empty, Peter had fallen asleep on the floor with a discarded potions text as a pillow and James had excused himself to "take a mighty fine piss" as he'd put it. He'd already been gone for fifteen minutes and Remus would allow him only ten minutes more before deciding to check if he were still alive and had not accidentally drowned himself in the toilet.

Sirius was rambling incessantly about all the work they'd put into researching and performing "Seriously complicated bits of magic, Remus, really," and Remus listened, letting his friend's voice wash over him like a lullaby. He felt pleasantly warm from the pit of his stomach to the very tips of his fingers and toes, though, from the firewhiskey or from the sheer joy of having such wonderful friends or from the thumb that was casually tracing circles on the inside of his ankle as Sirius regaled him with tales of becoming animagi, he didn't know.

"Thank you," Remus said suddenly as Sirius was wondering if James had managed to slip and break his head open in the bath.

"Hmm?"

"I said thanks. For this. You're…"

He couldn't think of a word to describe what Sirius was. What they all were. Sirius just gave his ankle a gentle squeeze and smiled in that charming way of his.

"Anything for you, Moony," he said and jumped to his feet, pulling Remus up by the wrist. "Now, let's go make sure Prongs is still alive, shall we?"


	7. Little Lion Man

_**Track 7 – Little Lion Man (Mumford and Sons)**_

_**But it was not your fault but mine  
And it was your heart on the line  
I really fucked it up this time  
Didn't I, my dear?  
Didn't I, my dear?**_

"_No! No! I don't wanna! Please don't make me!" five-year-old Remus Lupin cried loudly as his father carried him down the stairs to the cellar below the house. Memories of the last time his father had brought him to the cellar surfaced. He hated the cellar. It was dark and full of monsters. Monsters with bright yellow eyes and sharp pointy teeth that hurt him. _

_He swung tiny legs and beat tiny fists against his father's chest as hard as he could. "I hate you! Let me go!"_

"_Shhh, Remus, it will be okay," his father said, setting him on the cold stone floor. He watched as his father drew his wand and began casting spells, soft lights dancing around the room._

"_I'll be good," Remus said, thinking wildly of anything to get his father to take him from this place. "I promise! Please…daddy."_

_Remus began to sob as his father pocketed his wand and removed his robe. He felt humiliated and scared. Why did they make him do this? _

_His father kneeled in front of him, running fingers through his sweaty hair. Why was he so hot? He tried to draw a deep breath but it hurt his throat. Strong arms came around him, pulling him close. Remus buried his face into the familiar broad chest and continued to cry._

"_M'scared," Remus mumbled._

"_I know you're scared, son. If I could do this for you I—" he broke off with a sob and Remus felt a hot tears fall onto his face. Concern for his father managed to penetrate through his fear. He reached up and tried to wipe the wetness away from his father's face, copying the movements his parents had done for him dozens of times. His father was speaking again. "You need to be brave, Remus. Do you remember the talk we had last time?"_

"_About the wolf?"_

"_Yes. He's going to come again tonight." Remus trembled. "I know it's scary. I know it hurts. But you have to be strong. Because he will come again for the rest of your life."_

_Remus didn't understand. "Why?"_

"_I'm so sorry, Remus. I—"_

_A sharp pain lanced through him suddenly. He stumbled, his limbs beginning to shake uncontrollably. Warm hands were cupping his face again. _

"_I love you," his father whispered against his forehead, placing a kiss there. "Be brave, okay?"_

_Through a haze of pain and fear he nodded and watched his father back away. _

"_Be brave," he whispered to himself. _

_The door to the cellar opened and closed and he was alone. _

"_Be brave." _

_He continued to say the words to himself until his courageous mantra became piercing howls and the wolf burst through his body._

Remus woke suddenly, feeling disoriented. It took him several minutes to realize he was not in his parent's cellar but in the hospital wing. He breathed deeply, trying to dispel the melancholy that gripped his heart.

It had been ages since he'd thought about that night. His father, wracked with guilt. Realizing, at the tender age of five, that there would be pain for the rest of his life. Choosing to stand tall rather than weep for his misery.

Grunting with effort, he sat up, curious about the sharp pain in his side. He hadn't felt this rotten after full moon in months. Not since… His lips turned up as he caught sight of the dark-haired boy sleeping at the end of his bed, half-seated in chair, his arms cradling his head on the mattress.

Quietly, he reached for one of the potions Pomfrey always left for him on the bedside table. The movement must have woken him, however, because Sirius sat up with a mumbled, "Moony?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

Sirius rubbed his eyes and moved to sit on the bed beside him. "How're you feeling?" he asked tentatively.

"Like shit," Remus admitted, grimacing as he downed the pain relief potion. "Where were you last night?"

He couldn't remember them being there the night before now that he thought about it. He'd become rather used to the calming presence of his animal companions on full moon nights but instead of their soothing respite he remembered rage. Burning rage and an agonizing thirst for blood. The intoxicating scent of humans so close.

Snatches of memories from the night before began crashing through his mind. Prey slipping just through his grasp. Pain as he took his fury out on his own body. The empty vial fell from his shaking hands and onto his lap. Sirius placed it back onto the cabinet.

"What happened?" he asked Sirius quietly.

Sirius was biting his lip hard enough to bleed. "It's my fault," he said in a rush. "I'm so sorry, Remus."

He frowned as he listened to Sirius spin his tale. His heart grew heavy and his whole body felt numb the longer he listened. Sirius's eyes were red and puffy by the time he'd finished.

"It's okay, Padfoot."

Sirius shook his head. "It's not okay! I'm—"

"It's done. I'm not going to be expelled and no one was hurt."

"You were hurt," Sirius said, running his fingers over his bandaged abdomen. Remus refrained from telling him no one important was hurt. That would only rile him up more. "And it's my fault. I did this. I promised I would never…fucking Snape just wound me up so badly."

"You made a mistake."

"I'm sorry." Sirius gripped his hands tightly, earnest grey eyes boring into his, begging for forgiveness. "If I could take it back I would."

"It's okay. I'm tired, Sirius. I think I want to go back to sleep for a while.

Sirius closed his eyes at the dismissal, wiping away the tear that spilled over his cheek. Remus felt clever fingers brush through his hair and across his cheek as Sirius stooped to kiss him gently on the mouth. "I love you," Sirius said against his lips.

"I know."

Sirius kissed him again—long and slow and undemanding—and left with a promise to bring Remus lunch later. Remus nodded and told him that would be nice. When he was gone, Remus curled back into the hospital bed wondering when, or if, he would ever stop finding himself at the end of other people's mistakes.

He couldn't hate Sirius. He loved the idiot. Had found more joy in the sweet, stolen kisses and late night confessions than he'd ever felt in all his sixteen years. Sirius was his friend. Sirius had done more for him in the last six years than most people would in a lifetime. Sirius loved him.

The small voice from his dream chanting "be brave" kept the tears at bay. The betrayal hurt, but he could forgive this. He would forgive Sirius anything. But he would not forget.

* * *

_**Notes: **__It's been a while. I missed writing these. If you haven't figured it out by now this is basically my own personal headcanon fic. Still taking requests. Prompt me with a song :D_


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